WELL .. IM STILL FEELING VENGEFUL.. GUESS I REALLY GOT HURT.. AND THE FACT THAT WHEN CALLED ON HER CRAP THIS GIRL JUST TRIES TO DO WHAT SHE TAUGHT ME TO DO          " PLAY IT OFF" .. IS JUST REVOLTING... I REALLY HAVE TO KEEP IN PRAYER ABOUT THIS.. IT BUGS ME BADLY.. IVE GOT SO MUCH OTHER STUFF GOING ON.. AND INSTEAD OF BEING A FRIEND AND BEING THERE FOR ME  AT A TIME WHERE MY WORLD HAS BEEN FLIPPED .. SHE IS BUSY SCHEMING..... SOME WOMEN WILL DO WHAT EVER IT TAKES TO GET WHAT YOU WANT.. OR WHAT THEY WANT.. WHICHEVER THE CASE MAY BE... BUT DANG GIRL .. IS IT REALLY WORTH IT... IM GONNA KEEP PRAYING FOR YOU. AND I LOVE YOU.. BUT RIGHT NOW CHICA .. YOU ARE JUST DEAD WRONG...

i havent written here in quite a long time.. life is different now.. my mom has passed.. she ... well she is gone.. and im different too. its been crazy without her ... i feel like im drowning most of the time and god pulls me up. and i get overwhelmed with the emotion of it all.. i cry alot..especially now that the holidays are here..death is the reason i hated holidays in the first place.. now ..well i just want her here.. i want here to understand me and rub my head when i dont want to talk... even though i need to...i want to walk in a room and have her just know that i need to be held.i need her to be that one person who believes in me and supports me when everyone else is too consumed with their own.. i need her to think that im worth something.. cause people can make me feel worthless.. i need her to want me around when nobody wants me .i need her to hold me when i just cant take it anymore and not let go till i feel better.. i need her to sit with me when i just want someone in the room.. cause nobody else has ever understood that......heck its a rare thing that anybody but her ever understands me at all... but that was ok when she was was here with me ... she left me alone in the place... misunderstood, stilll growing up... and figuring things out .. alone. lifes not all bad.. there are good things.. but im fustrated now .. and i want to get and go see her.. or call her just to hear her voice...i know shed be doing nothing.. but i called anyway and asked what she was doing. i call her in my sleep sometimes... it wakens me.. i see bad visions of her in that thing..that tiny box they shoved her in...when my father died i was angry.. how could he leave here and not show me that i was loveable..i mean if a father cant love you...then something horrible must be wrong with you..  that WAS my thinking back then.. i used to think that surely if he couldnt love me ... then no other man would ever love me either. seems harsh.. but seemed true... seemed then anyway... but this thing that i feel now is such a deep incredibly sad emptiness.. and nobody can feel it with me .. or understand it..and only god walks with me through it.. this is a sadness that doesnt change.. it just .... is

What happens when you cant have that one thing. When the one time you wish god would just give in like he did with israel  and give you what you want... but he says nothing more. than " ive got you" or " i havent failed you yet" when you are past wanting to hear yes and you've just realized that the "no" or in my case the complete lack of an answer is just going to hurt and you cant make it stop,cant change it, and god just keeps saying hes there. this is what its like to just feel i guess. to have pain and just be. ive been hurt before ... but never has there seemed to be no way to make it stop.. so i guess maybe you just cry and sometimes things .... they just hurt. and when nothing in heaven or on earth is of any comfort.... then pain just is... and you just are..then you truely realize just how weak and helpless you are.  nobody reads this anymore so i guess the only one who really has to understand what that means is me...